Heart to Heart

I know I've been here and there these last few weeks...I suppose it's a reflection of what I've been feeling inside. I've never been one who was good at hiding how she felt. But somehow, this blog has made it easy. Feeling a little down but don't want anyone to know?
Easy.
Just don't post.
Thing is, I can't hide it anymore.
I don't want to.
So, it's time we have a heart to heart....

Have you...
...ever wanted something more than anything?
...wished for something so much, it made your heart hurt?
...longed to have something so much that it was all you ever thought about?
...and when you slept, your dreams would give you a taste of what life with it, might be like?

I have.

S and I have wanted children for quite some time now.
And have experienced much heartache over the years.
It has consumed my thoughts. Our thoughts.
And when I dream at night, if I'm lucky, I get a glimpse of the little ones we've yet to meet. And lift them in my arms. And hold them close.
S dreams about them too. And he shares his dreams with me.
And sometimes we let ourselves imagine, just a for a little bit {or a lot}, what it'd be like to have our family.

Maybe some of you don't want children and can't relate.
Then again, perphaps some of you are wishing for that someone you haven't met yet...then you know, in a sense, how I feel.
Maybe some of you already have everything and everyone you could possibly want and can't relate.
Then again, perhaps your life wasn't always like that. Maybe before the way things are right now, you might've longed for them to be this way, all those years ago.

But even if you can't imagine how I feel, just know that it hurts.
Know that things are hard.
And some days are harder than others.

But here's the thing.
I feel like I've hurt enough.
S doesn't want to see me shed another tear.
He hopes that if I do, they'll be happy ones.
I hope so too.
In some ways we've put our lives on hold...
...trying to make things happen.
...or waiting for things to happen.
In some ways we've put everything else aside.

But we've learned that hurting or waiting or even doing won't always bring you closer to what you want.
Even if you make it your priority.
Some things can't be planned.
You can't will them to happen.
You can't force it.
I firmly believe that nothing worth having is easily achieved.
But the thing is...
I also know that some things have to happen on their own.
In their own time.

So S and I have decided that the hurt stops here.
The all consuming thoughts end now.
Our lives...the happy worry-free ones we used to have...need to be the lives we live now.

S and I will continue to do everything in our power to make our family happen.
We have plans.
Things are in the works.
Maybe I'll share them with you another time.
Life has a funny way of always working out.
There is a child...
 ...children out there, waiting for us.
And I know it'll happen for us.

{our wedding}

But until they do, we'll have each other.
We already are a family.
We'll enjoy each other.
We'll count our blessings.
And be grateful for every single one of them.
Heartache may come every now and again.
But I won't let it stay long.
Someone once said life was like a fairytale.
If that's the case, then I look forward to my 'happily ever after'.
I'll look forward, but it won't be all I focus on, because if all I focus on is the happy ending, I'll miss all the good stuff in between.
Because the journey getting there can be just as good,
and just as happy, as the ending.

Thanks for listening.

xo Ela

Now You Know

Dress - Kensie, Skirt (layered under dress) - H&M seen here, 

Blazer - Morphine Generation, seen here, I love the buttons on the sleeves spiking out, Necklace - Tiffany

Recently my gorgeous lil gumdrop Sarah Hannah from down under tagged me to list 7 unusual facts about me. Easy peasy.

Let's start from the beginning shall we...

1) My mom nearly named me Allergy. As in "Achoo! Excuse me, it must be my allergies". She loved the way the "name" rolled off her tongue. Really? Cause I think I'd choke everytime I'd have to introduce myself. Seriously, why would you want to give your child a name that'll pretty much guarantee she'll have zero friends, suitors, confidence....

But then again, had she given me that name, I suppose I would've made it work. I would've given myself the nickname "Allie" but knowing kids are cruel, they'd probably refuse and call me "Algae". I'd probably be the girl with a chip on her shoulder the size of a boulder. Or the girl with a perma-look plastered on my face that said watcha lookin' at? Or I'd have rocked the 'ish outta that name and been the one *Allergy* all the girls {and boys?} wouldn't want a cure for. Either way, pretty sure when I was 18 I would've legally changed my name. To...anything other than that.
Thankfully my grandmother had the sense to ignore my mother, chocked it up to the Demerol or Epidural talking and talked her out of it.

Patterned tights - Hue, Shoes - Michael Kors

2) Speaking of names, my maiden name = married name. So what? I kept my name right? Yes....but that's not all. S's married name = my married name. What you married your brother? NO! So you met a guy with the same last name...you're sure you're not related? Nope.

When I got married and it came to changing my name, I knew I wanted to keep my name so I decided I should hyphenate. But with S, our relationship, our marriage is all about unity. About being "us" and "we". It was really important to him that we shared the same last name and felt that hyphenating my last name would still give us different surnames. I explained that keeping my name was really important to me. Suddenly a smile crept across his face, his eyes lit up as he told me he had an idea; he would change his name instead, and take mine. He caught me completely off guard, it's something I hadn't even considered! But that's exactly what he did. And everytime I write my name, I love and appreciate that he did that for me.

{I'm laughing because S is over in the corner...mocking me}

Love the arched hem at the back of this blazer

3) I'm warm and rather affectionate. Maybe being warm and affectionate doesn't make for unusual. But in this day and age being "sweet" makes people think you're *sketchy*. Rest assured, it's real. There's a reason why I've been called "sweet" pretty much 98% of my life {the other 2% of the time, I am PMSing}. Sometimes people take it for granted and the little things I do become expected, rather than appreciated. And at times because of that, I'd rather be something, anything  other than "sweet" but it's who I am. And I can't be someone other than me.

When talking face to face with a friend, I may touch her arm or her hand or her knee. You might make me laugh and find me playfully pushing your shoulder. I may rest my head on your shoulder for a moment or two. If I call you "hon" or "love" or whatever *sugary* name I want, it's because I geniunely like you and mean it to be endearing. If I say "I adore you," it's true. If I say "I love you," I mean it. If I say "my heart breaks for you," it does. So if you take something I do or say as anything less than geniune, I have to put the sweet aside, be blunt and jump into my 2% mode and say, I'm sorry but that's your loss.

I know I've only listed 3 facts, I'll save the other 4 for later...

Tell me something.

xo Ela

Special {super} late thank you to the lovely Anna for the One Lovely Blog Award and the uber creative Sophia for the Circle of Friends Award. And more recently to the fabulous Nikosmommy for the Beautiful Blogger Award and The Best Blog Award,  the talented Jennifer for the You're a Doll Award and The Happy Award, and the sweetie that is KS for the Blogger BFF Award and Master of Karate and Friendship Award.

Thank you so much.
p.s. I really enjoyed reading your comments from my last post, nice to know I'm not alone ;)

...and a Side of Cranky Pants

Christmas is not the same with a side of Cranky Pants. Trust. Trust. Trust. Me. I know. Christmas had it's moments but unfortunately, my cranky pants tainted a fair bit. Here's a behind the scenes peek - mostly in word format - because 99.9% of the photos I took, involve people {aka family} who do not know about my blog.

My Christmas Involved:

• Pressies galore. I actually love watching people open their presents. At showers not so much but on Christmas, I love it.

Christmas at my uncle's 

• Froggie feet belonging to my aunt. She's in her 50s. I adore her. To the max.

• Most days with just 3-5 hours sleep. Lack of sleep only makes the cranky pants feel tighter and stay on longer.
  
• Thankfully, a day or two filled with LOTS of sleep. Better to be unconscious than spread Christmas cranky cheer.
• S not wearing the Puck-Hawk out. BOO. He said he felt "too much like a rocker". Or a caveman. This from a guy *dressed for the shower*, which I think is what led to the caveman look. But whatevs. Next time I will wear him down and get him to wear it for out before shaving it all off.
  
• Plaid, leopard print and acid wash. But not all together. I promise.
• Two turkeys. Cause you can never get enough.

Turkey #2 fresh out of the oven, the only way I like birds.

• Cake and yummy goodness. When you stuff cranky pants with chocolate, things always get better.

• A painted washroom, a beautiful mirror and new lights! My Birthday(September) and Christmas pressie wrapped in one. It took a *wee bit* longer than I had hoped but it was worth the wait. I love it. I love my S.
  
• A new sparkly light fixture for our bedroom to stop the whining just cause. I love my S.
  

No idea why the daylight is making our walls look blue, because they're
"Edgecomb Gray"...which is just fancy for beige :) 

Hope y'all had the best Christmases and Holidays ever!!!

I'm off for the day but I'll catch up with you tonight!
xx Ela

Roasting in Arizona

If I had to sum up our Arizona trip in one word, it'd be "hot". Seriously, did not know I could sweat like that in October. And if I never attend an outdoor wedding in the boiling sun again, I think I'd be OK with that. Funny how amazing and beautiful an outdoor wedding in October sounds, but in reality, seriously...it's like sitting in a sauna, but with a dress and heels on. 

Dress - Bob Mackie Studio, Shoes - Seychelles

The wedding was beautiful and I tried not to cry like a baby. S took over 600 photos but since most of them involved people, I can't post them since only two of my cousins know about my blog...I can't even post shots with just the three of us because they haven't *approved* said photos. So unfortunately I don't have much to share.

This is me during the 10:30am cocktail hour...lugging a bag of Godiva chocolates, which amazingly did not melt, to the reception.

 

The resort where the wedding was held. Never before, have I wanted to jump into a pool more.

Some memorable moments from our trip:

1. My brother walked into a cactus. Seriously, the boy needs a haircut. When your bangs or fringe or whatever you want to call them, get in the way of your vision...dude, get a trim.

2. S loves to take photos but being in them, not so much. He did however get his picture taken before the wedding...by a speeding camera enroute to the wedding. And how lovely that we have to wait till the ticket gets sent to the rental car company before it gets passed onto us, which means we get to wait even longer to find out how much it's gonna cost us. The suspense is *killing* me. Thanks, babe. What a lovely souvenir.

3. Seeing my 10 San Fran cousins after about 25 years! Two of them are twins and I could only tell them apart by their tattoos.

4. Having a bad episode with mexican food. Let's just leave it at that.

5. Having a bad episode with chicken two nights later. Again, let's just leave it at that.

6. Shopping at one of the biggest F21's I've ever been in. We spent at least 2 hours there and lost each other every 10 minutes.

7. Watching S get into 3 other cars before going with the one we rented. Now I know how he feels when he watches me try on shoes.

8. Having our GPS tell us that it would take 5 1/2 hours to drive from Phoenix to Tucson. What the heck??? I nearly died. Good thing I figured out that some bozo had set it to avoid all highways. Who does that??? We got there in under 2 hours.

9. Freaking out because I thought a creepy crawly was on my leg, only to find out the strange sensation, was my leg...sweating. Did not previously know what that felt like. Or that my leg was even capable of doing so.

10. Witnessing my Aunt say "I do", to her Mr. Right. Made everything else, worth it.

I've missed you all so much! Can't wait to catch up with each and everyone of you.

Happy weekend, loves!

xx Ela
UPDATE: I haven't had the chance to comment on some of your blogs - AND I NEED TO - because for some reason, the Comment Box isn't popping up...I'll check again and hopefully comment soon!

Zip It

About 2 months ago my aunt told me she was getting married.

Yay, right?

Um, not so fun when you can't share it with anyone. I was sworn to secrecy.

See, my Cousin T had just gotten engaged that same weekend.
So my aunt told me I had to keep it a secret. She didn't want to steal Cousin T's moment. Yup, she's sweet like that. 
FINALLY, it's out in the open. She's holding it in Arizona...next month.

Originally we thought the wedding would take place in Niagara, which is a 2hr drive from Toronto. Easy Peasy. But now S and I are scrambling to book a flight to Arizona.

Here's a snippet of our phone convo. It's a typical example of how I can't hold his attention for more than 2 minutes when he's working:

Ela: Hon, do you know if flight prices change throughout the day? And if they do, do you know what time they are cheapest?

S: Hmmm....that's a really good question. 

Side Note: Um, hello, do I ask any other kind?

S: [Pause]. Let me put it this way...

Long pause. (Ela silent with anticipation)

S: I...don't know.

Ela: Well, since you put it that way (rolling eyes) then that makes sense. Thanks for clearing that up. Remind me again why I tell you "you're the smartest man I know"?

S: [Chuckles] Oh wait.

Pause. (Ela *again* silent with anticipation)

S: It's 36 hours.

Ela: What is?

S: To drive there. Non-stop. 
Ela: Was that even at option? [Definitely NOT an option]
S: But wait. We could leave from Detroit!

Ela: ??? Mmmkay...we'd still have to drive to Detroit first, which would still make it a 36hr drive. Either way you cut it, babe...still 36 hours.
S: Huh? No. Fly from Detroit...

Ela: ??? Um

S: [Chuckles] Sorry, I think you've lost me. I should get back to work.

Thankfully, I don't let our convos lead me to think two minutes of me is actually the maximum amount of time a person can handle. As if. Hello, give me at least 5. However, I've come to accept that unless I can integrate technical jargon into our conversation, if there's something I need to say that requires a coherent response, I better make it quick. At least when he's at work.

Anyway, back to what I was saying, ever had a secret you were dying to share?
xx Ela

p.s. In case you didn't know, this is what I look like when I'm "zipping it". Weird, it's also what I look like when I'm picking crumbs off my lips. I tried the finger at the mouth to say "shhhhh"...that didn't work out so well. I did however, manage to channel Austin Powers. 

This tee had me at the zipper. I love that it actually works, I can zip it up midway as I did here OR if I really wanted to, and had the waist of 6 month old, I could zip it up all the way to my chest.

  

Tee -F21, Ankle Zip Pants - Zara, Backzip Heels - Jessica Simpson 

Ring - Winners
 
It's hard to tell but this ring has 10 hearts dangling from it. I just heart it.
Happy weekend, everyone!
p.p.s. The night I wore this, S told me I looked "different somehow" that I looked "Asian". Seriously, I'm speechless. After 15 years...wtheck did he think I was?

Three Little Piggies

I don't have sisters. However, I've got two amazing cousins, who happen to be sisters, who happen to fill my sisterly void just perfectly. I love 'em.

We went for lunch to celebrate at my fave Japanese/Korean resto. Here's a shot post-gluttony. We're all pretty happy because we stuffed ourselves silly.

Cousin J - Me - Cousin T

Some quick facts about my cousin J and cousin T...
Cousin J loves muffins. Do you know The Muffin Man?
She does.
She wants to marry him.
And have his little muffin babies.

So she can eat them.

You will never meet a girl who LOVES these faux cupcakes more. Trust.
The last [oh, and I do mean LAST] time we did a Drive-Thru at McD's it went like this:

Order Box: Hi, can I take your order, please?
CJ: Can I get a muffin?
Order Box: What kind of muffin? Sausage McMuffin, EggMcMuffin?
CJ: [wrinkling her nose] Ew, no. Just a muffin.
I die.
Order Box: Oh ma'am, I'm sorry, I forgot it's after 11:00, we don't serve breakfast anymore.
CJ: No-no-no-no. I want a MUF-FIN.
Me [wondering: if it's only 2 syllables does it really help if you break it down?]
Order Box: Sorry ma'am, it's our po-li-cy, we don't serve breakfast after 11:00am...
CJ: Um, a MUF-FIN [making muffin shapes with her hands]. You know? Muffins?
Order Box: Er...what ma'am?
Clearly, not everyone knows The Muffin Man.
CJ: [speechless, still going on with the hands and *sligthly* panicked she's not going to get her hands on a precious ball of lard]
Order Box: Ma'am? Are you still there?
CJ: [yells at the box] A MUFFIN!!!
I die.
Order Box: No, ma'am. It's now 11:15.
I die.
CJ: A muf-fin. [desperation in her voice] I just want. A MUFFIN!!!
Order Box: Sorry, ma'am. Really, we cannot serve breakfast after 11:00...
They went back and forth for a few more times... I went from laughing hysterically to realizing that the madness may never end and realized that as amused as I was, laughter would not actually fill my empty gullet.
Me: [stretching over cousin J, as I yell into the box] She wants a MUFFIN. The things you bake that look like cupcakes. Not an EggMcMuffin or any type of McMuffin. JUST A PLAIN OLD MUFFIN!!!
Order Box: OH! [we have lift off] A muffin!
CJ: [jumping in the driver's seat, giddy with excitement] Yes! Yes!
Order Box: [chuckles] What kind would you like ma'am?
CJ: [goofy grin, making googly eyes at box] What kind do you have?
Me: [thinking: after all this time, you haven't actually considered what TYPE of muffin you want???] I die.
Order Box: Um, chocolate chip, double chocolate, blueberry, cranberry-orange, bran....
CJ: Hmmm...can you repeat that?

How could I not love her?

Side Note: I had a Quarter Pounder Meal, in case you were wondering.

Dress - Ella Moss, Boots - Seychelles, Handbag - LV Speedy 25
Favourite feature of this dress: the studded details on the back, neckline and front pockets

Now for Cousin T. She just got engaged about a month ago! WOOT!
She ties the knot in 2010.
I don't care how old she gets or what other grown up things she decides to do in her life, she will always be Lil Cous to me.

Cousin J, her sister, will be her MOH.
Which means, you can bet your hiney there'll be muffins at the shower.

I, have been asked to be a bridesmaid. I tried to tell her I was too old to be a bridesmaid. That at this point I should be producing offspring to provide her with a wedding party. A mini me to be her flower girl. And a mini S to be her ringbearer. I however = too old.
Cousin T: Well, you should've thought of that sooner.
Ouch. She wasn't having it.
Help. Me.

Hope you all had the best long weekend!
Tell me, what'd you guys all do?
xx Ela
p.s. Sorry I'm still MIA...it's almost over :)

Thank You

First, thank you so much to all who left such warm and sweet comments. Dad is doing so much better and is going back to work today! To say the least, our whole family is relieved to see him doing so well. Thank you again for your sweet prayers, knowing you are pulling for my family truly warms my heart. Also, thank you for sharing your stories with me, please know you've got my thoughts and prayers as well. I couldn't ask for nicer readers [friends really], you guys are the absolute best.

Speaking of friends, a while ago Jaime passed the Circle of Friends Award onto me, Jaime's one of the first bloggie friends I made, DO check out her blog if you haven't already. It was so sweet of her to think of me. After Sunday's post, I think it's only appropriate that I pass this onto all of you. It looks like my dad's over this hurdle but your words meant, still mean, a lot to me. I really hope each of you will accept it.

Also, three lovely ladies Janet, Kristen and Aubrey were so kind to pass the MeMe Blog Award onto me. I'm hooked on all their blogs, they're all sweet and they're all beautiful...c'mon now, don't hate :)
I'm supposed to share 7 things about me. In putting together this list I've realized I'm a bag of contradictions...
1. I love to eat and will try pretty much anything at least once. Just don't ask me to eat the last thing on the table, I can't bring myself to take the last piece. Of anything.
2. I'm a super light sleeper and wake up whenever S tosses and turns (or snores). Yet, some of the best sleep I've ever received has been at movie theatres. Something about the dark, the blasting AC and 3-hour movies knock me right out.
3. I could live off of Sun Chips, Gummy Bears, Chocolate and Ice Cream. However, I never feel completely satisfied until I've had a good heavy, and I mean heavy meal.
4. Mayra may not believe this ;)...but I'm very patient. I'll wait when you're super late, I'll stay on the phone when I've been put on hold for what seems like forever, I'll wait for you to come through on what you promised months ago. Just please don't drive in front of me at 40km in a 60 zone.
5. I can't stand clutter and having *junk* in the house but I'll keep a note my BFF wrote to me in 6th grade.
6. I don't like fish but I love sushi and sashimi(so long as it doesn't taste fishy...yes, it's possible).
7. I don't have a lisp, but can't say the word "links" without sounding like I have a forked tongue. Can you?

Onto the 7 blogs, in alphabetical order, to whom I'm passing this award: All Things NYC, Always a Bridesmaid...Finally a Bride, Clothed Much, Gabby, She Wrote, I am Style-ish, Modediktat and Tic Tac Tomato

Happy Tuesday, lovelies!
Looking forward to catching up with y'all!

xxEla

Life is Full of Chances

This Saturday my family and I were supposed to be celebrating my cousin T's engagement to my soon to be cousin-in-law V. As you know, life happens when we're busy making plans.

As I was getting ready my mom called to inform me that she was taking my dad to the ER. He was having trouble standing, was extremely dizzy and nauseous. She asked if S and could make it over. We left 5 minutes after she called, with a prayer in my heart the whole drive over as I bit back tears.

When we got to the hospital my dad was slumped over on the nurse's desk as my mom rattled off his symptoms. When they had finished up, S transferred my dad to a wheel chair so he could be mobile. At one point my mom left his side to go to the restroom. Shortly after, my dad tried to get up. He fell but landed on his hands and knees. With all the strength I could muster, I lifted him up by wrapping my arms around him but he tried to take another step. I felt his body falling as I struggled to keep him up. I let out a little yelp because my heart was breaking and I felt so helpless in not being able to help him more. S and some nurses rushed over to help. "No more standing for you," they ordered. We sat in the waiting room for about another hour and then he received a bed, an IV drip and a slew of bloodwork. In the end they couldn't find anything so they diagnosed him with Vertigo and sent him home with a prescription. I said a prayer that he'd only be sent home if nothing was truly wrong. My late grandmother died within hours of being sent home, so I'm sure you can understand my apprehension.

My dad was only in the hospital for about 6 hours and I know other's parents go through much worse. But, for me, it was the first time I had seen my dad weak and frail. I've always been slightly envious of friends who have amazing relationships with their fathers. To say the least, my father and I have had our ups and downs and only in the recent years have come to have a deep respect for one another. As his daughter, I loved him but in the last few years I love the man he is striving to be. He has his faults but who doesn't? He's trying his best, and I can't ask for more than that.

I know it's only Vertigo. But, before my dad was diagnosed, I had no idea what his condition was and whether or not he would be okay. At the very least, the experience opened my eyes and left me feeling as though I've been blessed with another chance. Maybe I can have what I've always been envious of, after all.

I hope you all had stress-free weekends.
xx Ela

p.s. Please forgive me if I don't make it to your blogs on Monday, my dear friend J and I are spending the day together. A few months ago she moved to Calgary, Alberta (3,400 km from Toronto and in a whole other Time Zone) and is here only till Wednesday. Catch up with you soon.
[Photo via Google]

Meet Cousin J

The super sweet Nicole at My Teacups in Peony tagged me a few days ago. I heard about her blog just a day before her birthday, and I've been stalking, I mean visiting, her ever since. She's so sweet, did I mention that already? I can't help it, she oozes sweet. She posts [and takes] beautiful photos, and all her posts are heartfelt. Do check her blog if you haven't already done so. She's the perfect new bloggy friend to make :)

Here's what she asked me to do:
1. Open my photos folder and select the 6th folder.
2. Select the 6th photo in that folder.
3. Post that photo, along with the story behind it.

So I was dreading what photo awaited me, thankfully it's a decent one and cousin J reluctantly agreed to let me post. Isn't she pretty?

A few things about cousin J, aka Cous Cous, yes, I really do call her that:
1. She and I are 3 months apart. Can you guess who's older?
2. Me being just under 5'4" I am actually taller than she is *gasp*
3. She is my cousin but she feels more like a sister, and is one of my dearest friends. Sometimes when I say "best friend' I feel juvenile...I don't know why.
4. I can count on one hand the number of times we've fought/made each other cry. I hate fighting with her. I love her to the moon and back.
5. She's also a great shopping buddy. By that I mean she and I can go for hours. We once did a 13hr shopping stint in NYC starting at 7:00am. We only ate once in between. Spent way more than we should've and walked a ton...braving winter.

This photo was taken last Christmas. No, we didn't plan on both wearing purple...stuff like this always happens. Our family get togethers always involve a ton of food. If you've ever been to a Filipino party - especially at Christmas - you know I am not exaggerating. Usually we eat till we feel sick and laugh till we feel sick. We celebrate on Christmas Eve so we open our presents at midnight, ooh and ahh at each other's pressies, sometimes even covet a few, then eat again...the cycle continues till about 4 or 5:00am when we all head home.

Speaking of Christmas, can you believe it's August? Where did the months go? Only 4 months till the Christmas tree goes back up.

This is a scheduled post. With family over the weekend & if you're reading this on Monday, *hopefully* I am gallavanting the streets of Toronto, stuffing my face with some sushi, catching a movie and enjoying Canada's Civic Holiday with S. So, I will catch up with your blogs on Tuesday. Hope you all had an amazing weekend!

xx Ela

Psst, up for revealing photo 6 in your 6th photo folder? If so, you're IT!