Heart to Heart

I know I've been here and there these last few weeks...I suppose it's a reflection of what I've been feeling inside. I've never been one who was good at hiding how she felt. But somehow, this blog has made it easy. Feeling a little down but don't want anyone to know?
Easy.
Just don't post.
Thing is, I can't hide it anymore.
I don't want to.
So, it's time we have a heart to heart....

Have you...
...ever wanted something more than anything?
...wished for something so much, it made your heart hurt?
...longed to have something so much that it was all you ever thought about?
...and when you slept, your dreams would give you a taste of what life with it, might be like?

I have.

S and I have wanted children for quite some time now.
And have experienced much heartache over the years.
It has consumed my thoughts. Our thoughts.
And when I dream at night, if I'm lucky, I get a glimpse of the little ones we've yet to meet. And lift them in my arms. And hold them close.
S dreams about them too. And he shares his dreams with me.
And sometimes we let ourselves imagine, just a for a little bit {or a lot}, what it'd be like to have our family.

Maybe some of you don't want children and can't relate.
Then again, perphaps some of you are wishing for that someone you haven't met yet...then you know, in a sense, how I feel.
Maybe some of you already have everything and everyone you could possibly want and can't relate.
Then again, perhaps your life wasn't always like that. Maybe before the way things are right now, you might've longed for them to be this way, all those years ago.

But even if you can't imagine how I feel, just know that it hurts.
Know that things are hard.
And some days are harder than others.

But here's the thing.
I feel like I've hurt enough.
S doesn't want to see me shed another tear.
He hopes that if I do, they'll be happy ones.
I hope so too.
In some ways we've put our lives on hold...
...trying to make things happen.
...or waiting for things to happen.
In some ways we've put everything else aside.

But we've learned that hurting or waiting or even doing won't always bring you closer to what you want.
Even if you make it your priority.
Some things can't be planned.
You can't will them to happen.
You can't force it.
I firmly believe that nothing worth having is easily achieved.
But the thing is...
I also know that some things have to happen on their own.
In their own time.

So S and I have decided that the hurt stops here.
The all consuming thoughts end now.
Our lives...the happy worry-free ones we used to have...need to be the lives we live now.

S and I will continue to do everything in our power to make our family happen.
We have plans.
Things are in the works.
Maybe I'll share them with you another time.
Life has a funny way of always working out.
There is a child...
 ...children out there, waiting for us.
And I know it'll happen for us.

{our wedding}

But until they do, we'll have each other.
We already are a family.
We'll enjoy each other.
We'll count our blessings.
And be grateful for every single one of them.
Heartache may come every now and again.
But I won't let it stay long.
Someone once said life was like a fairytale.
If that's the case, then I look forward to my 'happily ever after'.
I'll look forward, but it won't be all I focus on, because if all I focus on is the happy ending, I'll miss all the good stuff in between.
Because the journey getting there can be just as good,
and just as happy, as the ending.

Thanks for listening.

xo Ela

I'm That Girl

S and I met about a year a half(?) before we started dating. We had a *chance* encounter at a High School dance where he saw me outside, from a distance, in the center of our school's courtyard. He turned to his friend and said, "that's the girl I'm going to marry." True story.

Later that night in the gymnasium {this was a HS dance remember} I was doing my thing on the dance floor {girl can dance. trust} and suddenly felt someone dancing right behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see a tall guy peering down at me, I shot him a look that said "um, do I know you?"
Which seemed to scare said guy off since I never saw him again that night.

About a year later, I met S.
About six months following that, we started dating.

Then almost a year after dating, S found himself looking through one of my photo albums and spotted a photo of me wearing a striped dress and rocking a shorter do. He dropped the album, stared me straight in the eye and asked, "OMGosh, Is that YOU?"
To which I replied, "Um yeah. You don't recognize your own girlfriend when you see her?"
S: "That dress...YOU are that girl! You're that girl!!!"

He looked like he had seen a ghost.

E: [insert blank stare]
I had no idea what he was talking about, I thought I looked kinda cute in that photo. Why was he looking at me all ape nuts, eyes buggin' out, frantically pointing, finger flailing in the air and referring to me in third person as "that" girl???

He finally stopped chanting "you're that girl" to tell me about the night he *met* that girl. A night when he tried to strike up a convo with said girl. By dancing with her. Only to get "dissed" and shot some "cut eye". Once the night came back to my memory, being the sensitive girl that I am, I apologized rolled on the floor laughing. I had no idea he was that guy.

I laughed when I heard he had referred to me as the girl he was going to marry. Little did I know how right he'd be. 

Sometimes, I like love when he's right.

xo Ela

p.s. I know they say it's "Spring", but right now it's -3 degrees.
And minus anything, is not Spring.

Wool coat with leather insets - Mackage

I'm Really Good...

Is it just me or was that a reallllllly long weekend? LOL sorry, I had no intention of taking a week off. But life kinda knocked me down for a bit then kicked me a lil while I was down {grumble, grumble} and it took a while to get back up and dust myself off. Missed your faces and missed seeing the going ons in your lives. Looking forward to catching up with y'all!

[via here]

So....are you tired of hearing about me yet?
Too bad.
HA.
Cause one of my favourite people {ever} KS tagged me a lil while ago to list 7 Things I'm a Master At along with an award I mentioned a while back. Seeing as I received it over a month ago, obviously I'm a master at procrastination {for certain things} but that's not all...

I'm really good at forgetting whether or not I've seen a movie. How many times have S and I come home from Blockbuster{yes, we still go there} only to pop in a movie, watch the first 30 seconds then say, "OMGosh, we've seen this!" Then turn it off. And whine about how there's nothing to watch.

I'm really good at not knowing what I want. At restos. I am indecisive and often when I get my meal, I wish I had gone with the other thing I was contemplating. I'm quite certain that if a menu were to offer just three items, I'd need a good 5 mins to mull it over. 

I'm really good at reversing into spots. No, I'm not kidding. I really am. But parallel parking...that's another story.

I'm really good at guessing your weight what the TV will say next. It's not unusual to be loved by anyone find me finishing sentences along with my fave TV shows. So annoying fun, right? S has said a number of times, "you should just write for them." Write for my fave TV shows. Oh, I'd love that. I'd do it for free.

I'm really good at impersonating bad dancers/dance moves. I just need to see someone *dance* once and I can replicate it no problem. Wouldn't you pay to see that?

I'm really good at giving presents. Late. There's a family we love with 4 girls who S and I have seen grow up and adore, every year I buy them Christmas pressies in November or December. But the Holidays roll around and I get tied up. I usually get their pressies to them later...the following year...in March. This year I managed to get it to them in February. Imagine their excitement when Christmas came early!

I'm really good at organizing things. In my closet, my shoes are stacked neatly on my shelves. My tops are sorted by sleeve length, then by colour, my sweaters are folded by type {cardi, pullover, etc.} then by colour, my dresses are hung by colour on the other end of my closet and my pants are draped over pant hangers by type {slacks, jeans, etc.} then by colour. OCD much? Yeah, I know.

I'm really good at other stuff too but I'm also good at keeping count, and I've already listed 7.

Tell me what you've mastered.

xo Ela

Get in My Belly

A little while ago, the fabulous Jen tagged me to list 10 Things that made me happy. As I started to think...all I could think of was food...HA. So, here are ten tasties {in alpha order} that I couldn't possibly do without.
Side Note: If you know Jen but you haven't stopped over there recently, please do, and give her some hugs. She could use them.

Breakfast Saturdays

 

Homemade waffles with a ras-straw-berry sauce. And some uber crispy bacon.

It's the one day of the week I tend to feed S make a proper breakfast, which normally includes pancakes or waffles, bacon and eggs. Well, proper in my eyes.

Grilled BBQ Short-Ribs {Korean}

Delicious almost bite-sized pieces of grilled beef short-ribs over a bed of rice in a very hot stone pot. You can hear the BBQ sauce sizzle. Mmm. Mmm. Good.

Chocolate

For most of my life I ate at least one chocolate bar a day. That is, until I was about 25 or 26 when a co-worker was horrified to hear this. It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps one chocolate bar a day wasn't normal. Hmmmm...so strange. I figured I'd try to cut back and find a healthier alternative. Like an apple a day. Not so much. But now I can go a few days, maybe even a week, without a chocolate bar. Some of my faves: Twix, Aero, KitKat, Cadbury...

Gummi Bears

Now seeing as some of you know how much I love chocolate and gummi bears, some of you suggested I try some chocolate covered gummi bears. And so, I did. Here's the thing, I love chocolate. I love gummi bears. Separately. Together, I gotta say, I did not know what was in my mouth. I don't mean to hurt your feelings if you love them, maybe I had the wrong kind...but not quite the heavenly taste I had imagined...

Poutine

 [via Google Images]

Yes, you are looking at cheese and gravy atop a bed of fries. Have you had it? Don't knock 'til you've tried it. It's very Canadian. And it's soooo good. Trust.

Prime Rib or Roast 

Medium-rare with lots of gravy, mashed potatoes, yorkshire pudding and some really good horseradish on the side. Yum.

Shellfish

Lobster, crab and shrimp. With lemon-butter sauce. Yes please. 

Steak

Medium-rare please. I find that most people who don't like steak have only had it well-done. And trust me, well-done does not equate to well done. A quick bite of medium to medium-rare and I've seen some converts.

Sushi

At least once a week. And the more wasabi, the better. I love the feeling that super strong wasabi gives, it's like getting punched in the nose. Not that I know what that feels like. Nor do I want to. 

Sweet Potato Fries

 [via Google Images] 

With garlic aioli. Or without. Mmmmmm.

Let's eat!
Happy weekend, munchkins....it's not a dig at your height, I just have the munchies now.

xo Ela
p.s. Are you a rockstar? Enter my girl J's contest here until March 21st.

JUST ADDED:  Hey guys, this was a schedule post, but just got back from a memorial service for some very dear to me and S. I don't feel much like blogging right now so if I don't make it to your blog today or get to catch up this weekend. I'll see you Monday. xoxo

Now You Know...More

Blazer...it's a sweatshirt with a diagonal zipper - Winners

Striped Tee - H&M, Jeans - Just Cavalli,

Red Denim Platforms - Nine West (2002), EPI Pouchette - Louis Vuitton

So the other day I shared 3 {of 7} unusual things about me here....so here are other 4....

4) S and I don't drink alcohol. I find that when some people learn this, and learn that it's a lifestyle choice we've made, they look at me as though I just hit them in the face with a frying pan. Then once they've recovered, the questions fire away. And no matter how much I explain, I can't seem to quench their thirst.

Now I don't mind questions, in fact I'm happy to answer any question relating to the subject. But when I get the judging eyes, not so much. I never bat an eyelash or make a mental judgement when I know someone does drink, so it'd be nice if when I share that I don't, I didn't get the whats' wrong with you face. Or be looked at as though I suddenly sprouted a halo on my head and wings on my back. Though if I did, that'd be pretty cool, no?

 

Bow Necklace - gifted by Summer, seen here

5) I am a clown. Well, not really. Cause clowns freak me the heck out. Plus I made the mistake of watching the movie IT when I was 12. Watched it at my friend's house. Big mistake. It's the last time I ever failed to ask, "what's it about?" Anywho, I'm the girl that's not afraid to get silly at a party. Dance in the middle of a circle as I impersonate Elaine from Seinfeld {please tell me you've seen it}. Put on my friend's prom dress and top it off with a bicycle helmet. And yes, since you've read 4) you know I do all this sober. Granted there is a time and place for everything so you won't catch me doing this when it's not called for. Yes, there are times when it is called for. I will make you smile if I know you need it, I will liven up a party if it's gone lame-o and I am never afraid to laugh at myself.

6) That said, I am quiet. Or at least I can be. I attribute this to growing up, for the most part, as an only child. My brother came later in my teen years and my parents both worked full-time. I became independent and learned to love my alone time. I'm perfectly happy being left to my own devices. And perfectly capable of entertaining myself. Even in a crowd I can be quiet and sometimes quiet is the way to go. I get to observe and catch all the good stuff I sometimes miss out on when I'm being loud and annoying fun.

 Zip it.

7) I may wear my heart on my sleeve, be warm and open. But I don't open up to just anyone. So if I share something with you, trust that I haven't shared it with a ton {or even four} other people. I open up to people I feel a connection with, to people I think can relate to me, to people I feel I can trust.

That said, some things, even those dear to my heart, I will share with the world {or with anyone who happens to read this}. Either way, I share pieces of me. And what you see is what you get.

So...now you know.

Your turn.

xo Ela
p.s. Are you a rockstar? Enter my girl J's contest here until March 21st.

Now You Know

Dress - Kensie, Skirt (layered under dress) - H&M seen here, 

Blazer - Morphine Generation, seen here, I love the buttons on the sleeves spiking out, Necklace - Tiffany

Recently my gorgeous lil gumdrop Sarah Hannah from down under tagged me to list 7 unusual facts about me. Easy peasy.

Let's start from the beginning shall we...

1) My mom nearly named me Allergy. As in "Achoo! Excuse me, it must be my allergies". She loved the way the "name" rolled off her tongue. Really? Cause I think I'd choke everytime I'd have to introduce myself. Seriously, why would you want to give your child a name that'll pretty much guarantee she'll have zero friends, suitors, confidence....

But then again, had she given me that name, I suppose I would've made it work. I would've given myself the nickname "Allie" but knowing kids are cruel, they'd probably refuse and call me "Algae". I'd probably be the girl with a chip on her shoulder the size of a boulder. Or the girl with a perma-look plastered on my face that said watcha lookin' at? Or I'd have rocked the 'ish outta that name and been the one *Allergy* all the girls {and boys?} wouldn't want a cure for. Either way, pretty sure when I was 18 I would've legally changed my name. To...anything other than that.
Thankfully my grandmother had the sense to ignore my mother, chocked it up to the Demerol or Epidural talking and talked her out of it.

Patterned tights - Hue, Shoes - Michael Kors

2) Speaking of names, my maiden name = married name. So what? I kept my name right? Yes....but that's not all. S's married name = my married name. What you married your brother? NO! So you met a guy with the same last name...you're sure you're not related? Nope.

When I got married and it came to changing my name, I knew I wanted to keep my name so I decided I should hyphenate. But with S, our relationship, our marriage is all about unity. About being "us" and "we". It was really important to him that we shared the same last name and felt that hyphenating my last name would still give us different surnames. I explained that keeping my name was really important to me. Suddenly a smile crept across his face, his eyes lit up as he told me he had an idea; he would change his name instead, and take mine. He caught me completely off guard, it's something I hadn't even considered! But that's exactly what he did. And everytime I write my name, I love and appreciate that he did that for me.

{I'm laughing because S is over in the corner...mocking me}

Love the arched hem at the back of this blazer

3) I'm warm and rather affectionate. Maybe being warm and affectionate doesn't make for unusual. But in this day and age being "sweet" makes people think you're *sketchy*. Rest assured, it's real. There's a reason why I've been called "sweet" pretty much 98% of my life {the other 2% of the time, I am PMSing}. Sometimes people take it for granted and the little things I do become expected, rather than appreciated. And at times because of that, I'd rather be something, anything  other than "sweet" but it's who I am. And I can't be someone other than me.

When talking face to face with a friend, I may touch her arm or her hand or her knee. You might make me laugh and find me playfully pushing your shoulder. I may rest my head on your shoulder for a moment or two. If I call you "hon" or "love" or whatever *sugary* name I want, it's because I geniunely like you and mean it to be endearing. If I say "I adore you," it's true. If I say "I love you," I mean it. If I say "my heart breaks for you," it does. So if you take something I do or say as anything less than geniune, I have to put the sweet aside, be blunt and jump into my 2% mode and say, I'm sorry but that's your loss.

I know I've only listed 3 facts, I'll save the other 4 for later...

Tell me something.

xo Ela

Special {super} late thank you to the lovely Anna for the One Lovely Blog Award and the uber creative Sophia for the Circle of Friends Award. And more recently to the fabulous Nikosmommy for the Beautiful Blogger Award and The Best Blog Award,  the talented Jennifer for the You're a Doll Award and The Happy Award, and the sweetie that is KS for the Blogger BFF Award and Master of Karate and Friendship Award.

Thank you so much.
p.s. I really enjoyed reading your comments from my last post, nice to know I'm not alone ;)

Wisdom Comes With Age...Later in Life

A little while ago I told you I got my wisdom teeth pretty in my early teens. And I know I said in jest that I liked to think they made me that much smarter but I gotta tell you, they did not. Sure I brought home 90s, aced pop-quizzes, made the honor role and even brought home the occasional award. But sometimes...I was just downright dumb. Granted, I don't think it had anything to do with the teeth...

One Christmas Eve after a fight with my mom the night before, I decided I'd runaway forever. Yet I didn't even bother to pack a single thing. From the bus station I called my best friend. I told her I had runaway and that I needed a place to stay. She told me to hold on while she asked her parents if I could spend the night. By the time I got there her parents had called mine. But both parents agreed that I could spend the night and celebrate Christmas Eve with my best friend. That night I watched my best friend and all her siblings open pressie after pressie. My best friend's mom felt sorry watching me just sit there empty handed so she went upstairs and came back with a present for me. Imagine my excitement as I opened my brand new(?)...towel. Best Christmas ever? Not so much. 15 and smart as a whip whipped cream.

 

{via Google Images}

About a year later, I remember asking my mom to sign something from school. A permission form allowing me to participate in some fun activity, more importantly get me out of class for the day. My mom told me she was "too busy" at the moment but that I should remind her later. Being impatient helpful I asked if she'd like me to sign it for her. Confused by my offer, she asked me to clarify. I then proceeded to to tell her that I'd gotten really good at forging her signature. In response she looked at me with shock, awe, bewilderment and pride(?). So of course I had to add, "but forging dad's signature is even easier." 16 and sneaky. Just not smart enough to keep my mouth shut.

Any dumb moments you'd like to share?


Have a fabulous weekend!!!
xo Ela
p.s. In case you're wondering, I did not take my towel pressie home.

Yes, I'm Talking to You

To the lady in the minivan who stopped to help yelled and honked like a mad woman when we had to pull our car over on ever busy Spadina. After it got rearended by a streetcar. I suppose you would've preferred us to stay in the middle of the road so you wouldn't have had to change lanes. What is the matter with you?

~

To the streetcar driver, you seemed very kind. And I don't want this accident to cost you your job. But please do not say we "suddenly hit the brakes" and decided to turn. We had our signal on the whole time. And came to a gentle stop as we generally do when we approach stoplights. Hopefully this was a first for you and the TTC will let this one slide.

~

To my Krummer ladies, thank you for keeping me calm. Heart you to the moon and back.

~ 

To S, my sweet S, I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you said "it's been a bad week" even before this accident happened. But thank you for looking forward to the good that comes after a string of bad events. I love you.

And love, thank you for sharing Life Lesson # 289 with me: When you shake a bottle, without its cap on, it will make a mess.

Yes darling, that is what tends to happen. I'm sorry you got it in on your bag, sweater, papers. And face. Sweetheart, you need to look at what you are doing. Sometimes.

~

To the people at UPS, how on earth did you scrap the first line of the receiving address? Now you are left wandering the streets of Florida. Please note, all lines of the address are equally important. And should not be ignored.

~

To the people who decided one must drink 3 glasses of water to have the perfect amount so you can conduct your ultrasound, clearly your bladder is the size of Alaska. Mine however, is not.

~

To K, thank you for letting me go "just a lil bit" when you saw my eyes watering. I've learned that when your bladder is beyond full, it's gotta come out somehow.

~

To my dear Ela, yes you. When will you learn that: A full bladder + A belted outfit = A bad. Freaking. Idea.

I don't care that you got dressed and left the house before 6am. You need to think things through. More.

~

To my lovely readers, my bloggie friends, I'm sorry I haven't been around your digs lately. This week has been a tough one for me to manage. I have a sweet pea I'm worried about, a family friend in the hospital, a BFF who won't return my calls (is she OK? No idea), eventful days that will not allow me much computer time, and my body has finally caved and is trying majorly to catch up on some sleep. I'll be around soon. I promise.

xo Ela

Addicted to Molasses

No, it's not the name of a cool indy song, it is however, the truth. These darn Molasses Spice cookies have me climbing the walls when I can't have one. I'm obsessed with having some in the cookie tin at ALL times and the minute I see that we're I'm running low, I immediately bake more. Like drop what I'm doing and bake more. As though something terrible should happen if one lone cookie stays in the tin, all alone without any cookie friends to keep his cookie goodness company. Have I mentioned, I'm obsessed?

Who knew molasses was so darn addictive? Before these cookies I thought molasses = ick. Molasses is dark, sticky and smells like bark. Or something. But I picked up the carton from the store and it was sealed and everything so I know it hasn't been laced with anything. Right? Right??? Because if it were, it would explain the *mild* obsession I am having with these cookies. I'm cooky for cookies. And suddenly sound like a cereal commercial. Oy. I need to be stopped. Seriously. But just in case it's not such a bad thing, I thought I'd share the recipe with you. Then you can obsess right along with me.

Ingredients (Makes 36)

• *2 cups all-purpose flour (spooned and leveled)
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• **3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
• 1 large egg
• 1/4 cup molasses

* I add an extra 1/2 C to make them fluffy.

** I use salted.
Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt. In a shallow bowl, place 1/2 cup sugar; set aside.
2. With an electric mixer, beat butter and remaining cup of sugar until combined. Beat in egg and then molasses until combined. Reduce speed to low; gradually mix in dry ingredients, just until a dough forms.
3. Pinch off and roll dough into balls, each equal to 1 tablespoon. Roll balls in reserved sugar to coat.
4. Arrange balls on baking sheets, about 3 inches apart. Bake, one sheet at a time, until edges of cookies are just firm, 10 to 15 minutes (cookies can be baked two sheets at a time, but they will not crackle uniformly). Cool 1 minute on baking sheets; transfer to racks to cool completely. Store in an airtight container up to 4 days.

A few other things I'm addicted to these days:

- Hershey's Eggies ("Hershey's Eggs" in the US) They're egg-tastic! I could eat my weight equivalent. Even better than Cadbury Mini Eggs. Trust.

- Hawkins Cheezies Crunchy orange sticks have never tasted so good. I'm pretty sure I'm retaining water like a wishing well but I really don't care.

- Pickles The whole sour dill kind in the big jars in the refrigerated section, NOT the ones in the condiment aisle.

Are you at all concerned about what I'm eating? 
Don't be. I promise I eat "real food" in between.
Anything you're addicted to these days?

Oh and thanks to all who entered the Orient Watch Giveaway. I nearly went bananas when I found out the winning comment (via random.org) was lucky no. 8...congratulations, Mayra!!!

xo Ela