Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Heart to Heart

I know I've been here and there these last few weeks...I suppose it's a reflection of what I've been feeling inside. I've never been one who was good at hiding how she felt. But somehow, this blog has made it easy. Feeling a little down but don't want anyone to know?
Easy.
Just don't post.
Thing is, I can't hide it anymore.
I don't want to.
So, it's time we have a heart to heart....

Have you...
...ever wanted something more than anything?
...wished for something so much, it made your heart hurt?
...longed to have something so much that it was all you ever thought about?
...and when you slept, your dreams would give you a taste of what life with it, might be like?

I have.

S and I have wanted children for quite some time now.
And have experienced much heartache over the years.
It has consumed my thoughts. Our thoughts.
And when I dream at night, if I'm lucky, I get a glimpse of the little ones we've yet to meet. And lift them in my arms. And hold them close.
S dreams about them too. And he shares his dreams with me.
And sometimes we let ourselves imagine, just a for a little bit {or a lot}, what it'd be like to have our family.

Maybe some of you don't want children and can't relate.
Then again, perphaps some of you are wishing for that someone you haven't met yet...then you know, in a sense, how I feel.
Maybe some of you already have everything and everyone you could possibly want and can't relate.
Then again, perhaps your life wasn't always like that. Maybe before the way things are right now, you might've longed for them to be this way, all those years ago.

But even if you can't imagine how I feel, just know that it hurts.
Know that things are hard.
And some days are harder than others.

But here's the thing.
I feel like I've hurt enough.
S doesn't want to see me shed another tear.
He hopes that if I do, they'll be happy ones.
I hope so too.
In some ways we've put our lives on hold...
...trying to make things happen.
...or waiting for things to happen.
In some ways we've put everything else aside.

But we've learned that hurting or waiting or even doing won't always bring you closer to what you want.
Even if you make it your priority.
Some things can't be planned.
You can't will them to happen.
You can't force it.
I firmly believe that nothing worth having is easily achieved.
But the thing is...
I also know that some things have to happen on their own.
In their own time.

So S and I have decided that the hurt stops here.
The all consuming thoughts end now.
Our lives...the happy worry-free ones we used to have...need to be the lives we live now.

S and I will continue to do everything in our power to make our family happen.
We have plans.
Things are in the works.
Maybe I'll share them with you another time.
Life has a funny way of always working out.
There is a child...
 ...children out there, waiting for us.
And I know it'll happen for us.

{our wedding}

But until they do, we'll have each other.
We already are a family.
We'll enjoy each other.
We'll count our blessings.
And be grateful for every single one of them.
Heartache may come every now and again.
But I won't let it stay long.
Someone once said life was like a fairytale.
If that's the case, then I look forward to my 'happily ever after'.
I'll look forward, but it won't be all I focus on, because if all I focus on is the happy ending, I'll miss all the good stuff in between.
Because the journey getting there can be just as good,
and just as happy, as the ending.

Thanks for listening.
xo Ela

39 comments:

  1. Aww Ela, I'm sorry you've been hurting. As with Summer you are in my thoughts and prayers and I know one day you will get what your heart desires. You are too amazing not to! *hugs*

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  2. i am crying. why? i already knew this. i am one of your closest friends. one that understands all too well. you deserve a baby to complete your family. you do. i want it to happen for you. you will be a mother. you are a wonderful friend. my fabulous friend. i love you with all of my heart. this post took courage and people will open their arms to you even more than before.

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  3. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much! Maybe you're putting too much pressure on things, you need to relax and take things easy, i know thats easier to say than to do! But you're wonderful, you will get everything you want in the end!
    xxx

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  4. Ela, sorry it's been long time since I left a comment. I've been MIA for a long time! I understand what you are going through, but I know you've been hurt a lot more than I have. I truly hope that your dreams will come true someday. You're a wonderful person :D And any children will be lucky to be yours.
    Much Love,
    Linda

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  5. My dearest Ela, I know the feeling. My sis has been trying for years now. Sweety, the most important thing is to keep your relationship with S as it was, because you are a family. You don't deserve that pain. I wish I could do more for you. I can only pray for you, for my sister, (who knows? for me in the future) and for all those women that suffer. My thoughts are with you xxxx

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  6. I don't know what to say except that I hope that you and your hubby find peace and know that we don't control anything...we just think we do:)

    God bless you for being so brave to type this...I know that was hard!

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  7. Oh dearest Ela, so sorry that you're hurting. I agree with Emma, but I think it is difficult... It makes my heart bleed when I'm hearing this problem. My prayers are with you and your husband too.


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  8. I'm hurting with you and praying with you, Ela... This broke my heart, I almost cried at work while reading this just now.

    I felt this way for forever when waiting for God/Universe to send me my soulmate. I prayed, wrestled, dreamed, cried, pined for someone I knew was out there, but whom I hadn't found/gotten yet. It's not the same as wanting children, but a bit similar. I empathize. I don't know the heartbreak of wanting children... But I know heartbreak of want. I'm so sorry.

    I'm praying for your, my friend. I know you and S will make everything through together, whatever God's/Universe's plans are.

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  9. Oh, Ela! I knew there was something going on from your last posts. All these hints! Now that I've read this I know what it was that I was reading inbetween the lines.
    There are so many things I'd like to say, but not for everyone to read...

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  10. i too am someone who keeps so much to myself. this post touched my heart, how you opened up this piece of your life to share and how much you're hurting for something you surely deserve. i'm thinking of you.

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  11. oh girl. this is making me cry. but you still might just get everything you want. hang in there.

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  12. I'm so sorry -- I know how difficult this very trial can be. I think your attitude is best, though. It WILL happen when it's supposed to, in the manner that's best for you. This can be a hard life-lesson to learn, I think -- that the universe does things in its own time. And how unfair it can feel to see people all around who seem to have what you want. But you're right to keep a positive attitude. I'm thinking of you!

    xx

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  13. I can imagine what a long road this has been for you and S. But it sounds like after giving it much thought you've found some peace with the challenge of this journey. Keeping you in my thoughts...and a quick prayer that your greatest desire will become God's Will...
    (Thanks for sharing with us all how you're feeling Ela.... )

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  14. Ela, thank you for opening up your heart to us. I will keep you in my prayers and you have our support here! I know that God has something amazing in store for you and your faith does not go unnoticed to Him. I'm proud of you for looking beyond your pain and having hope in your future, rest in God's love and know that I heart you too! :)

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  15. I'm sorry y'all have been going through this. I wish I had something more unique to say, because I am sure all you are getting is apologies from people who have no driving force in the matter.

    I am glad the two of you are going to stop the hurting and just press forward and be happy with what you have.
    If it's meant to be...

    :)

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  16. My sweet E... I just adore you. I've felt it in my heart that yours has been heavy. I pray for you and S and beautiful little babies for you everyday. I do believe with all of my heart that life and God have their own plans for us... which is hard when what we want and what the world has planned for us don't coincide. But please believe that your story will end just as it should. You will have everything in life you were meant to have. And you know how I feel about babies... yes, blood and genes are a good start but sometimes the most amazing babies are grown with love...
    Patience can be tough. I want babies too... but my hurt now is being alone... and wondering if I always will be or if someone out there might love me someday as much as I'm willing to love them. But if it's meant to be... it will be. And there is so much life waiting to be lived in the meantime and I don't intend to miss it. You are too amazing to hurt this much... you are too amazing to sit back and wait for life to make your dreams come true. Keep praying, keep wishing, keep believing... keep hoping... but in the meantime, don't miss a minute of this beautiful game we call life.
    LOVE YOU with all of my heart. I am an email away (or phone... but I probably won't answer it because of my homework right now... but my computer is ALWAYS on) if you need anything... xoxoxoxxxx

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  17. key words in this post..."we already are a family." i know you long for something more but don't forget what you already have :)

    hugs to you and your hubs. stay strong ela my bella. xoxo.

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  18. you are an inspiration to many others out there. I admire your incredible strength and courage to share this with us, thank you. I pray that you and S receive the blessing of a little bundle that you so deserve. Hugs

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  19. What you've posted today was exactly what I needed to read. It's truthful and real. It's helped me. Honest. I know you are both blessed and lucky to have one another. I really hope the best for you both!. Sending positive vibes then, for you and your husband Ela xx

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  20. Ela, you and S are not alone. The hubz and I wanted to have one too. We thought we had it last January but it was ¨gone too soon¨. They say it´ll come on it´s own time. Good luck to us and in the meantime, let´s just relax and enjoy life one day at a time. ;)

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  21. oh bub, my heart goes out to you. and yes, you already are a family. and one day, it will have an extra person in it, but for now, maybe not. xxx

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  22. I know this is such a tough struggle for you- this honest post must've felt good to get it all out there. It's so great that you and S are so strong and can do this together. Whatever may be, you are right- there are children out there, that are all yours... just waiting for you!

    xo :)

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  23. Aw, I'm sorry you're having this struggle. I know that one day you'll end up with a beautiful child.

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  24. I'm sorry darling Ela, I can't pretend that I can understand how you are going through...but I must share my sister's story; she tried for so many yearsss, but now she has 3 wonderful children! Continue to seek God's strength & joy. Hope for the best & find the best professionals to help this dream to come true~
    HUGs & much blessings!

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  25. aw Ela :( my prayers go out to both you and S that you find everything that you are looking for. for the meantime, im so glad you have been blessed with such a wonderful husband who knows how to push you along through the rough patches and help you get over every obstacle life throws at you. in the end, i truly do believe that good people are rewarded, so keep your head high and never be afraid to reach out for support :)

    <3s lady!

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  26. I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how tough that kind of struggle is. At least you have a wonderful partner to get through the day with!

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  27. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. One of my friends is going through the same thing and all I can do is to listen and give her a hug. Sending you a hug too. I can't say I know how you feel because I can't begin to imagine. But, I can be a friend and stand by you and listen when you are sad and need a ear. : )

    Love, SG

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  28. Ela
    Thank you so much for your comment on my blog, sweetie! I often get compliments about my eyes ;) And maybe you're right about the wrinkles. Have a lovely weekend too!
    Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. My prayers are with you. Sadly, I have to say that no matter how hard you try and whatever you do to distract yourself, you can't forget. You'll eventually learn to live with it and don't think about it every single day and night. We have been trying for almost seven years now and I don't think that we will be blessed with children anymore. We went to a specialist for over two years, took pills, got shots - we did everything possible - and nothing helped. The 'funny' thing is that there is no obvious reason why it doesn't happen. The past seven years were filled with medical tortures, disappointments, frustration, loss of friends (who got pregnant) and loss of happiness. I can't even remember the last time I've shed a happy tear. We didn't even tell anyone what was going on for the first four years, until I just couldn't bear it anymore. But one thing is for sure. All of this has made our relationship even stronger.
    Sorry, I write this anonymously, but I don't want anyone to know. I think you'll know who I am.

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  29. Ela. My heart goes out to you and S. You are so brave to be going through everything you've gone through. Life is definitey a journey of unexpected twists and turns... and I'm a firm believer that the ride is worth it.. it worth what we are given in the end.. kids will come for you. Even if they aren't your "own", they are out there. I'll keep you and S in my prayers and thoughts. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life with us. You are a beautiful woman and God has great things in store for you. I'm sure of it. Love you girl!! Hope you have a great Easter. :)

    xx Love & Aloha

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  30. I just recently got my first ever blog award. I don't typically do this sort of thing, but I thought it was appropriate to give one to some of my favorite bloggers, and you're one of them! Check out my Easter blog post to see the new award. :)

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  31. I'm sorry for being MIA lately. I feel like a terrible friend. I have just been horrible at commenting lately b/c of limited internet access...

    That being said, this post really tugged at my heart. I don't know if I ever want children, so I can't relate to you, but I know what it's like to watch someone else struggle through something kind of similar.

    My mom suffered five miscarriages before she had me and then suffered nine more after me. I was pretty much a miracle baby in the midst of 14 miscarriages. But growing up, it broke my heart to see her try for another child, only to end up losing one after another. What made it hurt for her even worse was watching her own sisters pop out kid after kid, year after year, effortlessly. Without even trying. They all have four/five children now. They all have the big families my mom longed to have since she was a young woman.

    She's grateful to have me, of course, but I know the sadness she has felt for so many years.

    It makes me so sad to think a friend of mine is facing a similar (yet different) dilemma.

    You are such a sweet, gentle, and gorgeous woman. You were BORN to be a mother. I can't imagine you without children. So I know it's in your future. It's just the road to get there which will be a little tricky.

    Good luck and lots of love to you and S during this difficult journey! xoxo

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  32. Hi Ela, it's been a while, sorry about that. I've had an extended break from blogging and reading but I'm trying to catch up now so only just read this post. And it made me cry.

    I know how much you want to be a mum, so I know that it will happen for you. One way or another you and S will have your bebe. And until then, you and S will continue to support and love each other and be a family. Kisses and hugs from NZ. xo

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  33. I've been a bad blog friend and just read this post. Ela, I hope you get everything you want and soon. Sending you love and positivity. xo

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  34. Hi Ela, I'm delurking to express my gratitude for your post. I understand your pain as I am going through the same issue in my life right now. I am sure it will work out for us both very soon. x

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  35. aw hun, i love you. im praying for you and i will always be here even tho you have a great husband with you through all of this. you would make hands down the most wonderful mommy i could ever ever know. lucky little babies to have you as a mama. love you hun.

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  36. hey babe, sorry for being THIS late... been mia for a while...

    I hope you feel better now, because I know you'll be just fine, you and S and all of your children! You'll be a great mommy!

    xo

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  37. i'll pray for you two! : ) may more blessings come your way soon...

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Penny for your thoughts?
Hmm...let's make that an I.O.U ;)

xx Ela