Heart to Heart

I know I've been here and there these last few weeks...I suppose it's a reflection of what I've been feeling inside. I've never been one who was good at hiding how she felt. But somehow, this blog has made it easy. Feeling a little down but don't want anyone to know?
Easy.
Just don't post.
Thing is, I can't hide it anymore.
I don't want to.
So, it's time we have a heart to heart....

Have you...
...ever wanted something more than anything?
...wished for something so much, it made your heart hurt?
...longed to have something so much that it was all you ever thought about?
...and when you slept, your dreams would give you a taste of what life with it, might be like?

I have.

S and I have wanted children for quite some time now.
And have experienced much heartache over the years.
It has consumed my thoughts. Our thoughts.
And when I dream at night, if I'm lucky, I get a glimpse of the little ones we've yet to meet. And lift them in my arms. And hold them close.
S dreams about them too. And he shares his dreams with me.
And sometimes we let ourselves imagine, just a for a little bit {or a lot}, what it'd be like to have our family.

Maybe some of you don't want children and can't relate.
Then again, perphaps some of you are wishing for that someone you haven't met yet...then you know, in a sense, how I feel.
Maybe some of you already have everything and everyone you could possibly want and can't relate.
Then again, perhaps your life wasn't always like that. Maybe before the way things are right now, you might've longed for them to be this way, all those years ago.

But even if you can't imagine how I feel, just know that it hurts.
Know that things are hard.
And some days are harder than others.

But here's the thing.
I feel like I've hurt enough.
S doesn't want to see me shed another tear.
He hopes that if I do, they'll be happy ones.
I hope so too.
In some ways we've put our lives on hold...
...trying to make things happen.
...or waiting for things to happen.
In some ways we've put everything else aside.

But we've learned that hurting or waiting or even doing won't always bring you closer to what you want.
Even if you make it your priority.
Some things can't be planned.
You can't will them to happen.
You can't force it.
I firmly believe that nothing worth having is easily achieved.
But the thing is...
I also know that some things have to happen on their own.
In their own time.

So S and I have decided that the hurt stops here.
The all consuming thoughts end now.
Our lives...the happy worry-free ones we used to have...need to be the lives we live now.

S and I will continue to do everything in our power to make our family happen.
We have plans.
Things are in the works.
Maybe I'll share them with you another time.
Life has a funny way of always working out.
There is a child...
 ...children out there, waiting for us.
And I know it'll happen for us.

{our wedding}

But until they do, we'll have each other.
We already are a family.
We'll enjoy each other.
We'll count our blessings.
And be grateful for every single one of them.
Heartache may come every now and again.
But I won't let it stay long.
Someone once said life was like a fairytale.
If that's the case, then I look forward to my 'happily ever after'.
I'll look forward, but it won't be all I focus on, because if all I focus on is the happy ending, I'll miss all the good stuff in between.
Because the journey getting there can be just as good,
and just as happy, as the ending.

Thanks for listening.

xo Ela